Catharsis

Writing really is cathartic for me.  I find that I work through my problems so much better when I've written about them. It's the release that I need to move on to the next chapter. I'm gonna get pretty personal for this post, so if you'd rather read fluff, wait until next time.

I've recently suffered a loss. Two losses actually. My grandmother passed away. A wonderful, service-oriented, bubbly, caring, cheerful, lovely woman. She wrote music and played the piano masterfully. Every time I play one of her arrangements of music, I feel her near me (even before she passed away), her soul is in music. This is how I will always remember her: forever connected to the piano.

I had a miscarriage. The hubs and I were really looking forward to having another little bundle in our home to love and hold, but twas not to be. I don't think that we'll be a single-child family, but if that is to be the case. I have an awesome little man to be grateful for! I mean look at that face, who couldn't love that? 

When I first found out that we weren't going to be having another baby, it was terrible! I cried all the time at the drop of a hat and was mad at every pregnant woman I knew or didn't know for that matter. But after I went in for a procedure, it was like the last punctuation had been placed on the last page and I could turn it and move on.

So that is what I'm doing, moving on. Due to the recent events, I'm no longer working as a vocal coach. My boss felt that I should take this time to heal and we were nearly done with the season anyway. I thought that was very sympathetic of her. I am looking forward to real meal planning again and just being able to use my time the way I want to.

Until next time,

Lady Jane

The End of the World As I Know It

I'm sitting here with my laptop (several open tabs) and my smartphone nestled beside. I close a few tabs and it lands on Facebook. I then receive a notification on my phone that someone liked my photo on Instagram and am immediately distracted by that little red circle on my Facebook app (they're in close proximity). I go to check it and realize that I have stooped to the lowest level of degradation for a technology addict. I never thought it would come to this.

I am ashamed.

~ Lady Jane

Obstacles

It started out as the camping trip from he- you know. We forgot our blankets, pillows, sleeping bags and had to turn around and drive back for them after we already left an hour and a half later than I wanted to. Then while driving I remembered that we forgot to bring our box of chips and hot dogs, I suppose it wasn't that big of a deal since we were coming closer and closer to civilization and could buy another pack of hot dogs and a couple bags of chips. When obstacles get in my way I immediately think of, "who is trying to stop me from going? or doing this thing?"

Similar obstacles befell me when I started my first day as a vocal coach. My babysitter got into a fender bender leaving school and I had to bring F with me which meant working it out with my husband to meet me at the studio to pick F when he got off work and switch cars. Then as I was heading out to my husband's car and I tried to turn the lock with my key, nothing happened. F was already in bed by the time I was done teaching. Hubby couldn't come and rescue me. Luckily, I had a spare key which turned out to be for the lock and nothing else.

I wonder if that's why my hair is falling out in thick strands? Am I stressed? I suppose these new hats of home ownership and voice teacher that I've donned have magical properties that release my hair from its roots.

I try to remember that there is only so much I can control. I'm trying to be better about sorting through the mail and reminding myself to pay the bills (hubs has been the primary bill payer for about the last nine years of marriage). There are days where I feel really in control of my life, but when obstacles find their way to me, I lose my footing. Blogging has been my stabilizer though since I haven't devoted time to write more in my book. It's nice to have a release that I can always come back to, something that I know I will never tire from.

~Lady Jane

Lesson Learned

One of the weirdest phrases I heard in my writing class was, "creative nonfiction." What does that even mean? I was at a loss for words. I had no idea how I supposed to get creative without being false or bending the truth. Had I been a reader of Real Simple magazine when taking the class, I would have known exactly what my professor meant. In each issue they have a section called "Life Lessons". I learn the strangest, saddest, and sometimes simple things when I read that section. This is creative nonfiction. These writers just seem to know how to paint a story without brushing over the truth.

So here goes, if I were to actually submit a piece for an essay contest about understanding the meaning of love it might go something like this:

My mother always used to say that I would never understand how much she loved me until I had a child of my own. There's no way that could be true. There were so many ways that my mother showed me love: supporting my talents by attending choir concerts, always being a listening ear, staying up with me to finish that forgotten term paper, always finding time to teach me valuable life lessons as she transitioned into grandmother-hood while I was still only eight. As I grew up with a matriarch overflowing with positive words and love, I never thought it would take me until I had my first child that I would truly understand. As I groggily woke up to feed my crying baby, carefully prepared his food, happily changed his diaper or enjoyed his coos and giggles I was reminded of all the loving attention given to me by my own mother as her youngest.

Due to medical complications, I didn't get to spend an entire week with my newborn and had to leave my son in the care of my mother. She was much older now, and physically less prepared to repeat the routine of a newborn baby. I ached to be out of my hospital bed and be home with my husband and son, but I knew that my son was more than competently cared for, perhaps even more so than by a brand new mommy like me. I knew that my son would be loved and given the attention that I would have given him myself.

My mom with my son

When I was finally discharged from the hospital, I still couldn't hold my son and walk at the same time thus the nighttime responsibilities again fell to my mother. It was after I had regained strength in my leg that I profusely thanked my mom for caring for my boy. She gushed about how much she loved being up with him in the middle of the night and not being sore or too tired (like having her own seven children felt). What I imagine she was trying to say, "You won't understand how much I love you until you have a child of your own." I wouldn't have done any different had it been my grown son and his family in need of service and I an older woman in her latter years. She managed to show me how much she could love her grandson and through this selfless act, I know what unconditional love truly is.

So mom, if you happen to read this I love you for all that you have ever done and still do for me!

~Lady Jane

Lady Jane: Zero, Parenting: Won

8 June 2012

Well, parenting certainly won that round today. I am near my wits end trying to nourish my son. The only thing he consumes without hesitation is milk, yogurt, bread, and bananas. If I try to mix bananas into his yogurt, forget about it. He will try a bite of other foods and will immediately spit it out. I did get him to each some pureed sweet potatoes, so that was a success. I think it's a texture issue with him. But it's driving me insane! I started introducing gummy vitamins so that I could at least feel good about making sure he got them in another source, but every time I give him the vitamins he asks for fruit snacks. I'm not worried that he isn't healthy, he is quite the little muscle man. Perhaps I'm overcomplicating the matter; I know what foods I like and the ones I don't and I could literally eat cereal every morning for breakfast because it's quick and easy and F is my kid after all. Maybe he's just trying to tell me in his limited vocabulary that a variety of foods isn't for him (at least not yet). I doubt I'll have a long respite during F's nap time since he's so incredibly stubborn that all he ate was a piece of bread for lunch. I offered him one teddy graham for each bite of parfait he ate, but this little stinker wouldn't even dane to try it.

~Lady Jane

Back in 43,200 Minutes

We are officially moving! So I will be on hiatus for a month. Feel free to poke around and explore. Try some Goldberg writing practices if you feel so inclined. I hope you have a wonderful month! See you later.

~Lady Jane

Goldberg Nugget #6

Give me your morning

23 May 2012

I drifted in and out of consciousness as I heard the syncopation of the rain emanating from my iPod dock, awake just long enough to reach the snooze button for another glorious nine minutes of "sleep". As I tried to hold on to slumber, it slipped further and further away as I heard my husband cross the floor from the bathroom to his closet, turning the fan on a faster setting as he passed. "Drying off," I thought. I guess the rain was a little of the shower head too. I pulled the pillow sham from between my legs and propped myself against it as I checked on the boy from the video monitor. My drowsy hand searched for my glasses on the nightstand and discovered them exactly where I had left them the night before.

Even though the boy was mostly awake singing to himself, I figured I would have time to relieve myself and dress for the day. I softly closed my bedroom door behind me so as not to make a sound in the hope that I could take care of preparing the morning bottle. I trudged into the kitchen, flipping on the middle switch from the hallway. The light from the refrigerator brightened the kitchen by another 40 watts. I plucked the 8 ounce bottle from the shelf on the door, the gallon jug and proceeded to the microwave. Falling like a silk scarf, the white liquid gathered itself to the highest tick mark on the side of the bottle. I watched the bottle dance by itself as it heated in the microwave (or as I affectionately refer, a godsend). One last check on the boy on the monitor as I walk down the hall. I listen to the knob screech in excitement, echoing the happy shrills from my little man.

(6-7 months old)

A Lot Can Change in a Matter of Hours

Have you been enjoying the roller coaster ride as much as we have? Like I said before, I should have learned my lesson seven years ago to never work with HUD. They weren't willing to negotiate the price or allow us to get another appraisal completed. Just a bunch of back and forth, "We sent it to you," "Well we didn't get it" so we walked away. It certainly wasn't worth the headache and motion-sickness anymore.

As much as I liked the layout of the house, it was definitely built in the 90s; weird niches for giant televisions gone extinct, outdated floor plans and not enough storage. The one thing that I will miss, is the backyard. I loved that backyard! I could imagine little F playing on his newly acquired plastic jungle gym/slide and walking in and out of the playhouse, while I happily watched him, washing dishes at the kitchen sink. There is another house out there for us, that will be the right one. I have to stay positive and motivated because there is no way I'm staying in this rental until I'm 30! Not gonna happen!

We'll keep looking (I've already found a couple strong contenders) and make plans to go look at some more. But past me has to convince future me not to get too excited about anything until I've weighed all the options. Who knew that making a Pro/Con list would help? I'm a believer!

Third Time Wasn't The Charm

Looks like we'll be putting the home buying process to rest for the foreseeable future. I'm really glad that I haven't told a lot of people about this considering that we were within days of a 30 day closing date and we had to walk away. I should have learned my lesson back in 2005; never, ever try and buy a house from HUD if you're a family. Maybe an investor can come up with $14K cash to bring to the table if he bid too high and the house's worth is too low, but I've never had $14K in my life! That's essentially what happened. HUD does not negotiate and the appraisal company is crap; using outdated and irrelevant information for the comps of other homes in the same neighborhood.

I wish I could verbally lash the appraiser who single-handedly screwed up our chances of purchasing this home. I am beyond livid. All the stress that we've been dealing with that poor F has felt the effects of were for nothing? We were supposed to hear back from our lender on 4/25 if the appraisal management company overlooked the shoddy job the appraiser had done, but we found out on that day, that nothing had been done! So the week that we were sitting on pins and needles waiting for an updated appraisal of the house, was AGAIN for nothing? I'm so tempted to get rid of everyone that has been involved in this process with us, our realtor, our lender. If I were our lender working with a terrible appraisal management company, I'd tell my superiors.

And that was what I was going to say last week about the house. Here's what I'm saying this week about the house: There's a chance we may still be moving in the next few weeks. I know! I didn't think it was possible either. My realtor was fuming at the prospect that the house would simply go back on the market, somebody else would bid, work with a completely different appraisal company and get the house, that he and our lender hatched a plan to pull their money together to get a third appraisal done on the home! Hubby and I would still have to cover the cost of turning on the utilities for the appraisal, but we're willing to risk $100 bucks if it means we might get the house. We weren't so sure to gamble $500, there are other homes out there. Granted, not as many in a good market, but there are others. The nice part about all of this is, if it doesn't go through, we were already in a position to walk away, however the confidence that our realtor has about the home's worth is enough for me.

I still feel the same about the appraiser and the first appraisal process. Just so we're all clear.

Looks like taking my own advice was harder than I had anticipated. Would you be able to stay positive? It's been pretty difficult.

~ Lady Jane

P.S. I hope your last few weeks have been a lot happier and less dramatic/emotional than mine. I will be so glad when all of this is over!

Complexity is My Middle Name

I decided it was about time to get back to my original purpose for this blog and considering all of the events going on in my life that I cannot change, becoming a better writer is one thing I have control over.

"Where do you come from, who are you, what makes you?" One of the best questions posed by Goldberg to help the budding writer within.

The most obvious answer would be to expound upon my upbringing (which I have done a lot of) mention the skills/talents I have and hobbies I enjoy. BORING! So I will try and make it a little less boring.

I come from seekers and believers:

Not too long ago, I filled out a Mormon.org profile and one of the questions I answered was why I was Mormon. I think it's because my family is. It's in my blood. My 3x great grandfather was the first to become a Mormon, he sought after truth and believed. I owe him immensely for the knowledge I have because he looked for answers to his questions.

I come from music:

My grandmother is an amazing pianist! She lived next to me for nineteen years and when I say next to me I mean next to. I could get to her house through our garage. So I would often drop by and listen to her play the piano. Two of my older sisters also played the piano; music filled our house often and sometimes to the dismay of anyone in the house wanting to watch t.v.

I come from laughter:

My dad has the wackiest sense of humor, which I luckily possess a little bit of. He claims it was his mother's father that passed it down to him. I love to hear the laughter of my family and I get to hear it a lot.

I am Cowardice/Heroism/Peace/Contention/Love/Self-Loathing:

I am a complex woman. I am sometimes too afraid to confront a problem and other times, a raging bull out of the gate. I just wish I knew how to be bull when I'm a lamb. And with that cowardice and heroism, I am a blend of peace and contention. I don't like contention, avoid it at all costs and when I should be a peacemaker, I'm too afraid to mediate. I am freely giving of compliments, but not to myself, afraid of becoming narcissistic or egocentric. I'm also noticing a pattern here. Do you see it? I think my cowardly side trumps my heroic side by a long shot!

So, "where do you come from, who are you, what makes you?"

~ Lady Jane

Another Week Down

I feel that the only thing keeping me from going insane is this special little blog where I can come to voice my frustrations, elations and all in between.

I just called a couple doctors' offices to postpone appointments so as to save as much money as possible for the purchasing of our very first home! Did I tell you that? That the hubs and I are working on getting our first home? It's a nerve-wracking process to say the least and yet I'm surprisingly calm about it. We took another walk-through on Tuesday and I feel even more excited and correct that this is the right house for us. I just pray that there are very few hiccups as possible. HUD is infamous for hiccuping, A LOT! However, this process has been moving along at a steady pace, a VERY good sign.

I'm a "sign" person. I look for extraordinary occurrences amongst the mundane. So while we were at the house, I was carrying F's diaper bag out to the car when I noticed a potential neighbor a couple doors down, he said hello and asked if we were moving in. I excitedly called back to him, "We're hoping!" He then replied something to the effect of if we moved in that they would have to bring us over some cookies. He seemed pleased that somebody might be moving in. I'm not sure how long the house has been vacant, but I know I'd be pleased to have someone move in that would take care of the house. That was a sign; a little bit of an extraordinary exchange amongst potential neighbors that I don't believe happens as much in a garage community.

One of the nice things about this property is how boring it is, so ANY thing we do to it, will be an improvement! All that's left is the appraisal and inspection. I'm biting my nails here and I NEVER do that! I pride myself on having long, pretty nails even though I am a pianist. Call me crazy, but I like the click of my nails against the keys, the same way a guitarists fingers slide on the fret like a screeching nylon stocking.

And F wants to know...

Have you read any good books for kids, about kids lately?

Have a happy day!

Already a Slacker

I've only had this blog for how many weeks now, and I've already missed a deadline?!?! I blame it on everybody else but me. Other people I know have been busy and planning parties and weddings but then I thought, "Oh yeah! I was busy planning a bridal shower for my husband's sister, so there!" I had a good reason. That was a couple of weeks ago now and I really haven't had anything pressing on my plate and nap times haven't been used as efficiently. I knew that I was going to be busy a couple of weeks ago so that's why I got prepared, but it's already almost five in the evening (my time) and I'm just now starting to post!

A couple of things about the bridal shower, at least I didn't have to plan it all myself and I had the help of my incredibly talented SIL to help me decorate the concessions table in the theme of "Night at the Movies." I decided to go with this theme because the bride-to-be worked at a movie theater when she was in high school. I figured it would be a fun theme for her. It turned out darling, if I do say so myself. Hopefully I will get pictures posted soon, I can't seem to figure that out right now, what with buying a new camera and hubby and I trying to figure out using one laptop. Turns out that my user can't access our shared pictures, weird.

As guests came in, they wrote down a word of advice for the happy couple on ticket stubs

The concessions table

No movie theme is complete without Red Vines!

Boston Baked Beans and Tropical Lemon Heads

Whoppers, Mike&Ike's, Reese's Pieces

Popcorn!

My sister in-law (the bride to be) and me!

Well, whaddaya know?! Turns out I figured out how to get the pictures I wanted to post all by myself. I'm so glad that she liked the theme and that she had some good friends turn up to support her.

Next up on my social calendar, planning a little shindig for F's second birthday! We'll be doing a Toy Story theme, seems appropriate since F is completely obsessed with the franchise. My hubby is even talking about purchasing the Hawaiian Vacation short film just to add some variety to our collection. To be honest, I love that about hubby, he's willing to put off his own happiness for his son's. I'm sure there are more awesome things that he would want to spend money on.

In case you were wondering: I was able to pull off this theme due to the fact that my sister threw a baby shower for me using popcorn as the jumping off point. The blue/teal framed chalkboard as well as the other one and a movie themed canvas was borrowed as were the plates, popcorn machine and glassware for the service of Red Vines and Pretzels. I got the idea of the red and white striped tablecloth from my baby shower that I recreated. We just used the empty candy boxes as decor to make the table look fuller and had a couple of candy bar prizes (Skor, Whatchamacallit, and Mr. Goodbar) for a guessing game. We had a mad-lib for the bride and groom since the bride is a fan. The center pieces were already assembled from my baby shower so we just covered up the reference to pregnancy and added our own catch phrase, Popping with Joy! Since my mother in-law and I split the cost of stamps, the bridal shower only cost me $50 dollars (happened to be my budget)! The key to keeping functions inexpensive-BORROW, BORROW, BORROW and ask for help!

True Colors

They say that the eyes are the window to the soul, but that is certainly untrue in my case. I've had people, strangers come up to me when I was in high school and ask if I was okay. The immediate thought that sprang to mind in that scenario was, "Do you see tears running down my face?" Unfortunately for me, my everyday face, neither happy nor sad, just standing there, my face leads people to believe that something terrible just happened to me. Normally, I am a very happy person but my content face looks anything but content. Curse my down-turned eyes! It also doesn't help that my bottom lip pulls the pad of my chin too far north so that from the side I look like Alfred Hitchcock's long-lost daughter.

(I told you)

When I was a teenager I hardly ever looked at boys in the eye, afraid that they might see how transparent I was. I was afraid my eyes would betray my perpetually hushed heart. I listened to my heart, probably more than most and probably more than I should have but I couldn't let anyone else know.

Perhaps, deep inside I am a narcissistic person and that's why I'm so hard on myself, because if I let myself believe I'm a good person or I'm good at doing things then I fear I've become too much of my true self. I remember working on a writing prompt for one of my teaching methods classes. The prompt asked, "What are you an expert in?" I distinctly remember I was having a bad day so I wrote, "Nothing." I felt I was neither good nor bad at a particular skill I had learned, but certainly not an expert. Expert to me implies, exorbitant amounts of wisdom or prowess for said skill. Does anyone else ever feel this way, or am I the only one that thinks too much about what others might think? Which in turn, brings me back to the thought, I must be narcissistic then. I might as well embrace it.

What negative character flaw do you have that you wish you could either embrace or suppress?